LANGUAGE

by IAN

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Dale Price Ian treads wicked, weird ground - it's Beck's Midnite Vultures in a Faustian pact. Favorite track: Gousting (A Sexual Nightmare).
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LANGUAGE, from Ian.

They asked me yesterday— "what do you mean when you say Death?"

I said, "I think about it so much it doesn't mean what it's supposed to anymore. It's a little bit because it's 'the end,' but not in the 'suicide' way (though that comes up once or twice), but in the way that eventually all things lead to it. Death I mean."

I thought more and said, "and y'know, sometimes people say 'there was A Death,' and they don't mean necessarily that someone died. Or even that something died. But it represents an end."

I kept thinking, though. "An end." But to affix "death" to something doesn't actually represent any sort of finality, does it? If anything, it lends obsession and mourning (another kind of obsession) to it. Whatever "it" is— and it might not even matter. Pygmalion sculpting a ghost.

In any case, before and after "Death," there is "Despair."



Once, I became a monkey.

Cast into the Pit.

and as I languished,
I created a language
out of the anguish.





(in memory of Christian Thompson)

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released June 23, 2013

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IAN Chicago, Illinois

A miniature T-Shirt flaps in the wind, and, much like the trail of a snail, a wayward eyeball makes its way to the windshield.

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Track Name: Gousting (A Sexual Nightmare)
i went gousting (jousting)
trying to find a new tongue to lash with
i had enough words to last a week or two
a sad language was formed anew (could be true)

i pulled apart your curtains (of beads)
and sauntered like a goat inside
and held at the foot of the bed and whined
(inside, how could i ever let it be outside?)
so you smiled and said that you did black cocaine sometimes
i smiled to you and asked you why and you said (that it was sweeter)

and deep inside my mill my heart was skipping beats to the strong curves of judaism
i wondered a hex inside a spoon and flung it to the ceiling

where it stuck hard like an oversized pencil (you know?)

so anyways i puzzled for a minute before asking
would you be making love with me
(would you be making love with me?)
you said— you said—

ahhhhhhhhh! (what did she say to you?)

she said "No," of course,
what else could she say
to my bleats that i beat from out my saw

that sputtered and died like a run-down sphinx
(whatever that could mean, you say)

so i ran like a bitch 'til i got to work
and till my face struck dawn they wouldn't let me breathe
with the exception of the time that time slowed down
and instead of life the room filled with the dead

and i whimpered till my eyes were bugged as the tube
and jelly couldn't tell me when i wanted to wake
and i climbed atop a pyramid and waited for my sphinx to wink

(gifted sphinx, save me from myself)

i whipped up my frustrations
i countered every countercultural
wasteland, over-partied tribe
i wined and dined on those who thrived
on faint mistakes, that's all it takes
and i broke free of such constraints
and painted all my eyelashes
and waited for my house to finish
burning
to the ground
Track Name: I Live In Death Down (& Tell Bad Jokes All Day).
i live in death town
and tell bad jokes all day
it’s not a bad way
to earn a living hell

as if i had a choice
i do this to myself, i know, i know
it’s like you’ve always said
go big or go home
no wait, that’s not it...

i believe in you, baby!

winter!

quit fucking with me!
you’re blowing my scarf in my face
you make me wonder
if i made a mistake

i wish it was the 1990s again, except this time i’d be a little bit older
maybe if i made a convincing enough homage to those i love,
would i earn my place in culture?
well, maybe not. but here it comes again!
i feel it poking through, a little bit of calamity inside
and in the face of a deceivingly mild winter
can i keep up a sense of good posture and impress myself?

but i'm so full of doubt!

you’ve got to convince yourself, baby
that things like this are worth your time
when you know they aren’t— and they’re not!
so stop wasting your time trying not to trust your instincts,
they’re right, too!

so why not throw in as many guitar solos
as you want, in fact—
how about throwing in one right now!

a friend of mine once said
about how she never chewed her nails
until she started here...

i think i’m seventeen again
i hate my job
i’m seventeen again
i hate my job
whatever!

so then i quit my job
and tried to get unemployment
but ‘cos i quit my job
they wouldn’t give me unemployment

it’s hard to say what came next
every day was the same
day-in day-out the same
handbag living wasn’t for me

i bored myself to sleep

maybe my girl will leave me
can’t stand the very sight of me
with 20/20 hindsight
(a spoiler, i admit)
but such a pitiless
creature was me!
Track Name: Life As A Man
remember
when i threw out all your trust
and i became no different
than any other man?

now, let me tell you about my face
and how it began to twitch
or i could slip into great detail
about the things i concern myself with— like say, for instance:

what are we doing on this earth?
we should be going back and forth
between the stars above and here

but you won’t believe me
and i guess that’s just a fact
that i’ll have to live with.

so if i’ve got problems
then could my problems
be because i am a man?
well, i don’t think they can...

and still i wander back and forth
trying to get back to you
or wherever, wherever i can

and i don’t understand
what it means these days
if i call myself a man
but i don’t think i can

you know, i feel it bubble up sometimes
i can’t help it that
walls get in the way

and if i fuck up my knuckles it doesn’t mean that i could ever stop loving you, my dear

ooh,
and i don’t mean to scare you,
but now—this is the dawning of
my life as a man
my life as a new man

and if you see what i mean
then you know i ain’t kidding

but i swear now and then
to keep my head on straight and tight

ooh, well i don’t mean to scare you now
and ooh, it’s hard to see you frightened now
but ooh, i’m trying to take my blinders off

i don’t see this
i don’t see life
i just see me
if i see anything at all

i don’t see this
i don’t see life
i could see you
if i saw anything at all

if i could see this

i would live life

i could be you

i could be
anything that i wanted to be

and it’s safer to say
that i’m living in fear

in the world of a man

as i do all i can

to make a good name

in the eyes of a fellow man
Track Name: Honey For Two
and at the moment that i get off of my flight
its the moment that you call me to let me know that you've been canned
and when i rub my fingers 'cross the lord
its the moment that you feel yourself beating with two hearts

oh, i am a man
oh, i hate the fact
oh, i hate the

moment that you call me just to ask about your needs
it's the moment when my heart just stops and sinks between my knees
and if you're going to chide me about my say
then how could you expect me to get it up again today

*i'm petrified of me
*waiting's the death of me
*i'm left with tendencies
*watching violence go down on me

and at the moment that i find myself inside you
i can only think of back when you had to eat for two
and when i wake up in the morning in the cold
there's nothing going on between my legs at all
and at the moment when i wish i was a girl
it's the moment you decide to put me in a jar
so if i can't explore the things i need to see
then what is there here aside from dull convenience?

oh, with reluctancy
i guess i'll be a man
it's your responsibility
to think of how this effects me

and if i don't cater to your needs
oh my dear it's 'cause of fear, not jealousy
and if i don't cater to your needs
oh my dear it's the fear its near my dignity
and if i don't cater to your needs
oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
Track Name: Language
ran out of tin (your wavy hair)
what is left to drum upon?
bell for the time (straight hair)
hit single, good day, low bog, mm-hmm
tightly wrapped, heart like a mummy
is tut enough to believe?

(say no to your emotions)

stay to the side,
and think like an egg

(say no to your emotions)

you can say no to your emotions,
but say yes to everything else

but in the disembodied arms of a pop song
i wake up screaming
(ooh, it’s what i do)

you think of death and hanging
you keep only the most
tenuous of relationships at your side
boxing up your heart, it’s like that book
but instead of a bucket, it’s me
take out your pen,
and do yourself a favor—
put it in your eye
you’ve seen enough

(say no to your emotions)

ooh, if you only knew
what i go through
every morning
in my mind
every morning

(say no to your emotions)

(back in the disembodied arms of a popsong)
whose arms are they anyways?

(held in the disembodied arms of a popsong)
whose arms could they be,
i wonder
whose arms could they be?

(free from the disembodied arms of a popsong)

i wake up screaming

how do i always get it wrong?

i’ve got to fight the future inside me

oh yeah, and there rows of houses
they are there
i can't control that
what is there to be nervous about this time?
you're stupid, you know that already
buildings on top of buildings
be careful, you're an idiot,
i feel nothing
i guess i really had doubts,
but at this point,
cast fully in hindsight,
a ladder leads to nothing
in full hindsight, well,
it just doesn't make sense correctly
this feels terrible in some way,
turn into the sun
fooled again, failed in all i do, why can't i figure it out?
maybe i just like the attention
you think and think that maybe
you could fall back in and out
but you can't, because you ruined it with
your stupid fucking questions
she just does what she wants to do!
you probably just like the attention
you can tell the same lies, though you're a horrible liar
i wish it never happened
fuck you and your ghost town!
how do i always do it wrong?
how do i always do it wrong?
(regret, regret)
you can pretend for five hours
pretend you're in a secret world
like always,
how do i always do it wrong?

ooh
i can be mad at myself
ooh
but i can also be mad at you
ooh
i can also be mad at you
Track Name: Easter (You Write What You Know)
my features are very cold
circulation is minimal
it’s beyond getting it wrong
what you are is truly disgusting
you hold yourself
to such a high ideal
but you're no different!
you try to give people a good name,
but you can't even trust your own.
what good are you?
you're good at ruining people,
breaking them down
with your self-centered
righteous behavior.
disgusting is the perfect word for you,
you and your dishonest bullshit.
your fear doesn't make it okay,
it makes you a coward
it can't make you guiltless.
live with that guilt, embrace that guilt!
it's all you are good for- all you are meant to have.
no solace, no forgiveness.
live with this guilt,
live with this fear of human interaction.
it's all your worthy of,
i finally and completely hate myself.
i have earned that hate with all i have done
all i have done to everyone around
i truly hate myself,
and i deserve only this hate.
this hate, this hate.
this hate, this hate.
this hate, this hate.
Track Name: Modern Music (Fuck Despair)
a snowstorm in july (in theory)
represents all my fears

i feel it in my saw (a ha ha)
death's pear feeds my language

the pounding in my eyes (becomes)
a tension in my jaws

i'll change my name to death (whatever)
but do ya get what I intend?

it's got a ring to it (resonant)
death mcduffie fits my face

so i ask all my friends (politely)
what is the frequency?

they say it soon will pass (i guess so)
but it hurts now just the same—

well, i'm the kind of guy (ah ah ah)
who sees death in everything

and I believe in Black (Noise Bombs)
the threat of annihilation

this is my dearest dream (to behold)
the grim death of culture

and you and i are left (though we are one)
as irrelevent at best

so why not up and die? (it sounds nice)
it sounds like every day

with the screaming in my ears (it sounds like)
modern music to me

i’m funnier than you think that i think that i’m trying to be

watch me be a confident man
devoid of self-loathing and doubt, my friends

i never repaired all that i should have repaired
it's now or whenever you'd like
I'll try to remember my mantra:

"life is just waiting for the next bomb to drop"

I'll pull out the rug
from beneath my own feet
go back in time
and kill myself then

ohh, it shouldn't be what i believe
ooh, it shouldn't be the ending scene
i never put stock in death as an answer
so don't give up, ian,
sing a song to suicide and say:
I've been dreaming of you,
you want to see me,

but I don't think that I'll let you in again...