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LANGUAGE

by IAN

supported by
Dale Price
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Dale Price Ian treads wicked, weird ground - it's Beck's Midnite Vultures in a Faustian pact. Favorite track: Gousting (A Sexual Nightmare).
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1.
i went gousting (jousting) trying to find a new tongue to lash with i had enough words to last a week or two a sad language was formed anew (could be true) i pulled apart your curtains (of beads) and sauntered like a goat inside and held at the foot of the bed and whined (inside, how could i ever let it be outside?) so you smiled and said that you did black cocaine sometimes i smiled to you and asked you why and you said (that it was sweeter) and deep inside my mill my heart was skipping beats to the strong curves of judaism i wondered a hex inside a spoon and flung it to the ceiling where it stuck hard like an oversized pencil (you know?) so anyways i puzzled for a minute before asking would you be making love with me (would you be making love with me?) you said— you said— ahhhhhhhhh! (what did she say to you?) she said "No," of course, what else could she say to my bleats that i beat from out my saw that sputtered and died like a run-down sphinx (whatever that could mean, you say) so i ran like a bitch 'til i got to work and till my face struck dawn they wouldn't let me breathe with the exception of the time that time slowed down and instead of life the room filled with the dead and i whimpered till my eyes were bugged as the tube and jelly couldn't tell me when i wanted to wake and i climbed atop a pyramid and waited for my sphinx to wink (gifted sphinx, save me from myself) i whipped up my frustrations i countered every countercultural wasteland, over-partied tribe i wined and dined on those who thrived on faint mistakes, that's all it takes and i broke free of such constraints and painted all my eyelashes and waited for my house to finish burning to the ground
2.
i live in death town and tell bad jokes all day it’s not a bad way to earn a living hell as if i had a choice i do this to myself, i know, i know it’s like you’ve always said go big or go home no wait, that’s not it... i believe in you, baby! winter! quit fucking with me! you’re blowing my scarf in my face you make me wonder if i made a mistake i wish it was the 1990s again, except this time i’d be a little bit older maybe if i made a convincing enough homage to those i love, would i earn my place in culture? well, maybe not. but here it comes again! i feel it poking through, a little bit of calamity inside and in the face of a deceivingly mild winter can i keep up a sense of good posture and impress myself? but i'm so full of doubt! you’ve got to convince yourself, baby that things like this are worth your time when you know they aren’t— and they’re not! so stop wasting your time trying not to trust your instincts, they’re right, too! so why not throw in as many guitar solos as you want, in fact— how about throwing in one right now! a friend of mine once said about how she never chewed her nails until she started here... i think i’m seventeen again i hate my job i’m seventeen again i hate my job whatever! so then i quit my job and tried to get unemployment but ‘cos i quit my job they wouldn’t give me unemployment it’s hard to say what came next every day was the same day-in day-out the same handbag living wasn’t for me i bored myself to sleep maybe my girl will leave me can’t stand the very sight of me with 20/20 hindsight (a spoiler, i admit) but such a pitiless creature was me!
3.
remember when i threw out all your trust and i became no different than any other man? now, let me tell you about my face and how it began to twitch or i could slip into great detail about the things i concern myself with— like say, for instance: what are we doing on this earth? we should be going back and forth between the stars above and here but you won’t believe me and i guess that’s just a fact that i’ll have to live with. so if i’ve got problems then could my problems be because i am a man? well, i don’t think they can... and still i wander back and forth trying to get back to you or wherever, wherever i can and i don’t understand what it means these days if i call myself a man but i don’t think i can you know, i feel it bubble up sometimes i can’t help it that walls get in the way and if i fuck up my knuckles it doesn’t mean that i could ever stop loving you, my dear ooh, and i don’t mean to scare you, but now—this is the dawning of my life as a man my life as a new man and if you see what i mean then you know i ain’t kidding but i swear now and then to keep my head on straight and tight ooh, well i don’t mean to scare you now and ooh, it’s hard to see you frightened now but ooh, i’m trying to take my blinders off i don’t see this i don’t see life i just see me if i see anything at all i don’t see this i don’t see life i could see you if i saw anything at all if i could see this i would live life i could be you i could be anything that i wanted to be and it’s safer to say that i’m living in fear in the world of a man as i do all i can to make a good name in the eyes of a fellow man
4.
Honey For Two (free) 05:24
and at the moment that i get off of my flight its the moment that you call me to let me know that you've been canned and when i rub my fingers 'cross the lord its the moment that you feel yourself beating with two hearts oh, i am a man oh, i hate the fact oh, i hate the moment that you call me just to ask about your needs it's the moment when my heart just stops and sinks between my knees and if you're going to chide me about my say then how could you expect me to get it up again today *i'm petrified of me *waiting's the death of me *i'm left with tendencies *watching violence go down on me and at the moment that i find myself inside you i can only think of back when you had to eat for two and when i wake up in the morning in the cold there's nothing going on between my legs at all and at the moment when i wish i was a girl it's the moment you decide to put me in a jar so if i can't explore the things i need to see then what is there here aside from dull convenience? oh, with reluctancy i guess i'll be a man it's your responsibility to think of how this effects me and if i don't cater to your needs oh my dear it's 'cause of fear, not jealousy and if i don't cater to your needs oh my dear it's the fear its near my dignity and if i don't cater to your needs oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity oh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignityoh my dear it's just the fear i've lost my dignity
5.
Language 07:36
ran out of tin (your wavy hair) what is left to drum upon? bell for the time (straight hair) hit single, good day, low bog, mm-hmm tightly wrapped, heart like a mummy is tut enough to believe? (say no to your emotions) stay to the side, and think like an egg (say no to your emotions) you can say no to your emotions, but say yes to everything else but in the disembodied arms of a pop song i wake up screaming (ooh, it’s what i do) you think of death and hanging you keep only the most tenuous of relationships at your side boxing up your heart, it’s like that book but instead of a bucket, it’s me take out your pen, and do yourself a favor— put it in your eye you’ve seen enough (say no to your emotions) ooh, if you only knew what i go through every morning in my mind every morning (say no to your emotions) (back in the disembodied arms of a popsong) whose arms are they anyways? (held in the disembodied arms of a popsong) whose arms could they be, i wonder whose arms could they be? (free from the disembodied arms of a popsong) i wake up screaming how do i always get it wrong? i’ve got to fight the future inside me oh yeah, and there rows of houses they are there i can't control that what is there to be nervous about this time? you're stupid, you know that already buildings on top of buildings be careful, you're an idiot, i feel nothing i guess i really had doubts, but at this point, cast fully in hindsight, a ladder leads to nothing in full hindsight, well, it just doesn't make sense correctly this feels terrible in some way, turn into the sun fooled again, failed in all i do, why can't i figure it out? maybe i just like the attention you think and think that maybe you could fall back in and out but you can't, because you ruined it with your stupid fucking questions she just does what she wants to do! you probably just like the attention you can tell the same lies, though you're a horrible liar i wish it never happened fuck you and your ghost town! how do i always do it wrong? how do i always do it wrong? (regret, regret) you can pretend for five hours pretend you're in a secret world like always, how do i always do it wrong? ooh i can be mad at myself ooh but i can also be mad at you ooh i can also be mad at you
6.
my features are very cold circulation is minimal it’s beyond getting it wrong what you are is truly disgusting you hold yourself to such a high ideal but you're no different! you try to give people a good name, but you can't even trust your own. what good are you? you're good at ruining people, breaking them down with your self-centered righteous behavior. disgusting is the perfect word for you, you and your dishonest bullshit. your fear doesn't make it okay, it makes you a coward it can't make you guiltless. live with that guilt, embrace that guilt! it's all you are good for- all you are meant to have. no solace, no forgiveness. live with this guilt, live with this fear of human interaction. it's all your worthy of, i finally and completely hate myself. i have earned that hate with all i have done all i have done to everyone around i truly hate myself, and i deserve only this hate. this hate, this hate. this hate, this hate. this hate, this hate.
7.
a snowstorm in july (in theory) represents all my fears i feel it in my saw (a ha ha) death's pear feeds my language the pounding in my eyes (becomes) a tension in my jaws i'll change my name to death (whatever) but do ya get what I intend? it's got a ring to it (resonant) death mcduffie fits my face so i ask all my friends (politely) what is the frequency? they say it soon will pass (i guess so) but it hurts now just the same— well, i'm the kind of guy (ah ah ah) who sees death in everything and I believe in Black (Noise Bombs) the threat of annihilation this is my dearest dream (to behold) the grim death of culture and you and i are left (though we are one) as irrelevent at best so why not up and die? (it sounds nice) it sounds like every day with the screaming in my ears (it sounds like) modern music to me i’m funnier than you think that i think that i’m trying to be watch me be a confident man devoid of self-loathing and doubt, my friends i never repaired all that i should have repaired it's now or whenever you'd like I'll try to remember my mantra: "life is just waiting for the next bomb to drop" I'll pull out the rug from beneath my own feet go back in time and kill myself then ohh, it shouldn't be what i believe ooh, it shouldn't be the ending scene i never put stock in death as an answer so don't give up, ian, sing a song to suicide and say: I've been dreaming of you, you want to see me, but I don't think that I'll let you in again...

about

LANGUAGE, from Ian.

They asked me yesterday— "what do you mean when you say Death?"

I said, "I think about it so much it doesn't mean what it's supposed to anymore. It's a little bit because it's 'the end,' but not in the 'suicide' way (though that comes up once or twice), but in the way that eventually all things lead to it. Death I mean."

I thought more and said, "and y'know, sometimes people say 'there was A Death,' and they don't mean necessarily that someone died. Or even that something died. But it represents an end."

I kept thinking, though. "An end." But to affix "death" to something doesn't actually represent any sort of finality, does it? If anything, it lends obsession and mourning (another kind of obsession) to it. Whatever "it" is— and it might not even matter. Pygmalion sculpting a ghost.

In any case, before and after "Death," there is "Despair."



Once, I became a monkey.

Cast into the Pit.

and as I languished,
I created a language
out of the anguish.





(in memory of Christian Thompson)

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released June 23, 2013

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IAN Chicago, Illinois

A miniature T-Shirt flaps in the wind, and, much like the trail of a snail, a wayward eyeball makes its way to the windshield.

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